u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
