My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
