Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
