I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize