took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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