When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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