I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize