I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
