I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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