There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
