I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
