I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
did i walk over a car last night?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
