Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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