2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
