yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
