look no pants
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
