Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
a search helicopter?!
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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