My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize