the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
