When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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