awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
