I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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