Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize