doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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