Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
