Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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