i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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