I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
