Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
