I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
