I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
