We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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