I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize