What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
