hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
