ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
