Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
