Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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