I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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