??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize