He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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