Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
