Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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