his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have aggressive nipples.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
