Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
