It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I met the friendliest cop last night
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
