You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
