Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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