if i can run in heels then i can drive
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
