So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
