You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
