I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
