My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
