remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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