Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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