shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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