I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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