I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
