I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
