So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize