I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
