You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Green mimosas i think yes
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
