Swine flu. Run for my life!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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