my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
