He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize